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sitka lighthouse

The cloud has descended

Posted on 2011.05.20 at 08:09
Current Mood: sadsad
I feel terrible, looking back at this journal, to see so much negative. Is there anything positive in me anymore? Some things have happened in the past week though that have made me broody...and that is not good. Hours of driving to Wisconsin on Friday, periods of silence where my head goes There.

A good friend who is also a business owner said some things to Caleb last week that upset him. I am amazed at the assumptions people have about us because of his business. I usually brush it off--if they could see the tiny house we live in, they would know better! This friend though is basically in the same boat as us. People assume things about him and his family just because he works for himself. We had to buy a truck in February to pull our flatbed trailer, both vehicles being business equipment for the towing part of it. We shopped around--even looked at a new, baseline model truck--and settled on a three year old truck that was much nicer, could meet more needs than just one, and cost less than the new one. It has come in handy more than once, towing broken down vehicles and getting whole families out of the rain as we serve them. I've always hated the idea of towing a vehicle only to leave the customer to their own devices to get where they needed to go. Anyway, this friend must have had a really bad day because he voiced to Caleb that we should be cutting him a big break (we already were) since we were obviously doing so well (!). Caleb takes this hard from someone he considers to be a good friend, and now he wants to sell the truck. This is insane! We will still need something to pull the trailer! My heart hurts for my husband who thinks this is what he needs to do to stop the tongues from wagging. What people don't realize is that he has worked very hard to build the business debt free. The only loans it has are for the shop vehicles, one of which is nearly paid off. The shop's finances and books are completely separate from our personal monies. We shouldn't have to make this kind of statement, and we shouldn't have to explain ourselves to anyone! It's ridiculous.

Believe it or not, that was enough to throw me back to everything that has gone wrong for me in the past two years. Two Very Bad Things have happened to me, and I am angry that they still affect my life. I am still in physical pain all the time, and the relief doesn't last long when I bite the bullet for an expensive ajustment (just this week I visited a chiro for the first time--osteo docs are just too high at $150 per visit WITH the 25% pay-today discount). I've received three invites to the high school graduation at a private church school--tonight--that I'd love to go to. Problem is, my old boss will be there. Do I go anyway, prove that I'm still standing? That I'm confident in my innocence of wrongdoing and I'm still the bigger person in this? Or do I stay home, because frankly, I am scared of the man and his paranoia paired with his concealed gun?

Then last night it hit me. Both Very Bad Things were things that Caleb pushed me to do. He insisted I go in that buggy even though I was terrified and didn't even want my kids in there. (what could happen? They'd done many other rides with other people, it's perfectly safe!). He also pushed me to go back to that job.

Now he wonders why I'm so resistant to him when he makes suggestions to me.

And I hate it. Can I leave Missouri now?

sitka lighthouse

Still alive, thoughts bouncing wildly around

Posted on 2011.03.10 at 16:46
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Just when I thought I was doing better, I get a slap in the face. I felt like I was moving on, getting over it, looking forward to new things. Monday I received a certified mail letter. In it, a letter for each family member. Our family doctor has dumped us. Why? She is married to my ex boss.

I'm coming up for air more quickly than before though, so that has to be good, right? I spoke to a lawyer friend who gave me some good ideas for documentation in requesting a copy of my employee file. My old supervisor, V (who is also a dear friend), claims I don't have one since I never received a write-up (that was the only time they would make one according to her, so even if I had had one it would have been empty). I may request it anyway. It might give me an idea if they've gone back in time to document lies. I do have grounds for a slander lawsuit but after careful consideration I don't think I want to go there. I aimed from the start to be the bigger person in this and take the highroad--they have nothing on me. I have one year from the time of my termination to request this file, so still plenty of time to consider. It may be helpful to know what their side of the story is if I ever decide to go back into the medical field though I can't see that happening; I've lost my moxie for it. V really wants me to push the slander lawsuit but in the same breath understands that that is more her don't-mess-with-me personality than what is necessarily the right thing. Besides, what would I want out of that? An apology plus lawyer's fees? I love her, just the same--she has been a great ear and sounding board as I've walked this horrible path.

Spring is around the corner! I so look forward to it, almost more than I can remember in years past. Perhaps it is the blooming, the promise of new life coming from deadness and the hope that comes with that. In some ways the cold, dark winter days of winter 2010/11 has mirrored where I feel my life has gone this year. I can see a sliver of light at the end of my dark tunnel and the hope within me grows. Spring!

We are also knee deep in birthday season. My 36th was last week, Sadie's 9th was Saturday, Tuesday was KikiLu's 18th, and my aunt Patti's was yesterday. Elsa's 5th is next, on April 2nd.

This years' March birthday madness has been shadowed by the passing of a loved one. My Aunt Becky passed away on Friday night from a Lupus-related heart attack. I am thankful that she is in Heaven and no longer suffering in this life, but sad that my two youngest girls won't get to meet her this summer.

At the end of June, I will travel to Washington with Joshua, Sadie & Elsa. My Mom gave me this amazing gift at my darkest hour of depression, and I am so grateful. I still desperately want to leave Missouri, but knowing I can look forward to seeing my family (Parents! Grandparents! Sibling! Cousins? Nephews, Nieces! BIL, SIL! My Angie!) helps as I wait. I haven't been west since July of 2003. I do need to get my rear in gear and get my passport card so that we can visit Victoria, BC on a day trip (a favorite tradition).

I was recently evaluated in regards to my disability for state insurance. I thought it was to see what my condition was, but no. I got shrunk! There was a couch and everything. LOL. I am pleased to report that I am perfectly sane, though I suffer mildly from PTSD. The only remaining question is how much is related to my buggy accident injuries and continuing physical trials and how much is being royally screwed over by someone who I thought was a friend? Who knows. I'm getting closer to being able to say who cares. That's a good thing.

My kids are on Spring Break this week, and may I just say that yet again it has come much too early in the year! After clouds, cold, & rain all week--even some flurries last night--the sun has finally come out this afternoon. Tomorrow's forecast even looks Spring-like, and it's about time! I am enjoying having my big girl home from college this week. Shelby wanted to come home to work and make an extra dollar or two which works well for me. She's taken some of the family business pressure off of me which allows more of me for the younger three.

I do need to get back into exercising 5 times per week. My knee(s) and right shoulder are giving me grief this week though so I'm trying to take it a bit easier to help this. I need to get into the doctor but have been avoiding this in hopes it'll go away--past experience says it won't though. I am probably avoiding the unavoidable. Ah well.

Kids are happily yelling and making merry outside right now, and my poor little raspberry chocolate bonbon is unhappy to not be free to join them. We can no longer trust Sassy, our chocolate lab puppy, to stay within the confines of our yard. The melty temps and lack of ice/snow is creating a perfectly tempting brew of smells that demand exploration, so we must keep her tied up at all times. Extra walks make up for that, however!

I am off to exercise now as my sanity demands endorphins.


deep breath

I just can't seem to surface

Posted on 2011.01.15 at 13:59
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
The history of my mess...Collapse )

What is keeping me from coming up for airCollapse )

deep breath

No motivation

Posted on 2010.11.29 at 07:10
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
I just can't seem to get excited about Christmas this year. I don't want to decorate yet--my house already seems so cramped that I can't bear the thought of putting the tree up. Shopping has happened some, but I hate the thought of spending money when things are already so tight right now. I have no clue how we're going to do it all, this year. The kids are excited so I am keeping it all to myself--I could never squash their joy. I have enjoyed all the "tree trimming" pics I've seen friends post, for sure, but I don't know how to get myself to that place of being ready/excited for Christmas. Christmas isn't about the gifts, and it isn't about the commercial blitz all around us; it is about family, togetherness, and the greatest gift of all time. I'm hoping if I focus on that, that I'll come around.

Home is where the Mom is


Posted on 2010.11.09 at 08:57
Current Mood: mellowmellow
Current Music: CNN news
Tags: , , , ,
I'm still trying to surface from this funk, but I will admit I am loving all the time with my kids. Evenings have been much more pleasant because I'm not tired and overwhelmed with everything needing to be done at once.

disjointed babbling & assorted pictures this way...Collapse )

deep breath

So this is what Day 1 looks like

Posted on 2010.11.02 at 08:21
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
My eyes are so swollen this morning--I look like I've been in a boxing ring. When I went to bed last night there was nothing left to distract me from this new reality, and the sobs were deep, crushing, and completely involuntary. It felt like my chest could cave in. I haven't eaten since yesterday at 10 till 4, and I don't want to. I am drinking though--half a blueberry pomegranate VFusion was my supper and Caleb made me some apple cider after the kids went to bed. I'm still nursing my morning cup-o-joe. On the list today:

* snuggle with Elsa
* bake two loaves of chocolate chip banana bread (with wheat flour & real butter)
* clean out the inside of my car
* exercise--good for clearing my mind
* laundry--washing, drying, folding & putting away
* clean the bathroom
* Wal Mart trip for Caleb's shop

I'm sure there's much I can keep busy with today. We'll see how much I can actually accomplish. I'm feeling really low, worthless, beaten down...so for today I will focus on the ones I love most. I know I can do that well.



Posted on 2010.11.01 at 18:23
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
I told my supervisor last Friday that I needed to cut my schedule back four hours per week to accomodate an unforseen family business issue. Today, I no longer have a job. Guess I'll have lots of time to focus on that family business issue. I also think I must be the only stupid person in the world who would finish out the work day after being fired first thing in the morning because they were shorthanded. I wish I had had the courage to not stammer or fight tears, and just say "If that is the way it must be" and walk out the door. There is so much more to this, but ultimately I know that I did nothing wrong. My family comes first, and I told my boss this way back when he hired me the first time. Still--I think there is a hole in me somewhere, because this hurts badly.

Mommy's Love

Angels among us

Posted on 2010.06.19 at 17:01
Current Mood: calmcalm
Tags: , , ,
(I know this is late, but I haven't had the time to post these pics until today.)

Some of us have been blessed with the presence of an angel...babies who have been part of our families but stayed for too short a time. I think of them often, both my own angel babies and others who have touched my life in some way. Abby turned four last week. She lived just a few hours--a life much too short. Hearing her story and watching her family grieve has helped me find answers and understanding regarding my own times of loss when I felt so alone. It has also kept to the forefront of my mind the kind of person I want to be and the kind of mom I want for my children. Life is much too short, and I plan to love hard--the little things aren't so important anymore, because time slips away quickly. My kids, my family, need me to be present and there for them. Abby and her family inspire me to be better, and for that I am so grateful. She will never be forgotten.

Pics this wayCollapse )

Mommy's Love

I will forever remember...

Posted on 2010.06.09 at 18:38
Happy Fourth Birthday to a special angel, Abby McCaskill. Jack, Janice, Kim, Julia, and Charlotte are in my thoughts and prayers today. I have been forever changed by her life and the love that is so tightly entertwined in her story. You are loved, and you are missed, sweet Abby girl.

sitka lighthouse

One of my worst fears is...

Posted on 2010.06.06 at 13:17
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
Tags: , ,
..being separated from my children in a disaster or time of crisis. Last Saturday was Caleb's and my 17th wedding anniversary, but we didn't celebrate because it was graduation weekend/Memorial Day weekend with all the ceremony and celebrating that comes with that. Friday's storms went around us but not by much--a friend's back windshield was shattered by baseball sized hail that afternoon, only 10-11 miles from here. Yesterday it rained and stormed off and on all day long, and Saturday's forecast had called for potentially violent storms. It had mostly cleared by the time Caleb came home from work last evening, so when he suggested a movie, I was all for it. I figured we were beyond the yucky weather by then since today's forecast was for sunny skies. About halfway through "Prince of Persia", I left the theatre to use the bathroom and get some snacks for Caleb. I noticed as soon as I exited the bathroom that something was different--they were listening to the weather radio rather than music and it was ominously dark outside. I heard the words coming from the radio, "tornado on the ground". I went to the counter and asked the anxious looking staff what was going on--we were under a tornado watch at that point, and one of the guys showed me the doppler radar on his phone (the storm was right over Milan, about 30 miles west, and coming in our direction). I bought Caleb's candy and hurried back into the theatre to grab my cell phone. I called Shelby and told her to keep her ear out for the tornado sirens and empty out the closets for taking shelter in if necessary. I then settled back in to the movie, trying to enjoy it--what are the chances of another tornado hitting our town squarely, two years in a row? Just when I settled and began to relax...my phone starts vibrating. My heart entered my throat and my body went numb. It was Shelby--the tornado sirens were blaring and they were in the closets. I felt panicky--my kids were alone and I couldn't get to them because businesses lock down and won't let people leave in this situation. I tried to call the neighbor--no answer. Called my BIL's house, got his wife who probably wondered WHY I was worried--they can't hear the sirens at their house--and what I expected they could do for us? (I later called her back to apologize and explain that if we were locked down at the theatre, they may have been able to get to our kids before us) Our neighbor called before I even had a chance to clarify to my SIL, and I explained that the kids were alone. He was across our street in our other neighbor's basement with his wife, and assured me that he would get the kids and take them across the street. Our movie had ended by this point and people began to exit the theatre. In the hallway there was an abandoned broom/dustpan that was still moving, as if the owner had literally JUST dropped it. Everyone moved slowly, dazed, out into the main foyer--the sky outside was orange and green at the same time, and trees outside were madly waving. No one was exiting. It really was odd, and so quiet even with people everywhere. I moved closer to the windows, and could see patches of blue sky despite the strange color of the sky otherwise. Caleb and I walked out the door (we weren't sure they would let us) and noticed at that point that the sirens were no longer sounding. We hurried home--to the north and west, the sky was small patches of blue. To the south, stretching west to east, dark, angry clouds and lightning flashes dominated. It was very strange. Obviously we got home okay, and the kids were fine. A little shaken, but fine. Elsa opened the front door and yelled about tornadoes, and of course we heard all about things from their point of view. I had to examine how I felt about it all, but it really boiled down to that I felt so much better once my kids were all within arms' reach. I hate the thought that they might be alone, without me, and Something Bad Happens. Shelby is a responsible young lady, but I am their mom. Next time I'll check the radar before leaving. I am so thankful that nothing happened. This time.

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