I just can't seem to surfacePosted on 2011.01.15 at 13:59
Current Mood: discontent
Copied and pasted from an email on December 13th to a dear old friend who was asking about how I was doing:
"It's been bad for a while. I've worked at the same job for quite some time and we got a new office manager in July. Times are financially tight and so we have the state insurance for our kids. When this office manager found this out she started treating me differently. On November 1st they fired me when I asked to adjust my hours 4hours less per week because of our family business. This shouldn't have been a problem because as it was agreed before this new mngr took over I was only filling in those 4 hours anyway, and since then they'd hired someone to fill in these kind of gaps. I did what I was supposed to do--I informed the state office that I was no longer working there, and signed a paper so that the office could confirm that I was no longer working there. They were also stating that I had quit, and just didn't show up one day. The whole "meeting" where I was told I would be "replaced" was a set up, with two witnesses that he pays. Of course they'll say whatever he tells them to say! That and it's not every day you hear, "I hate doing this to a friend, but...". Anyway, the office manager, instead of stating that I no longer work there, decided to write a letter. It is full of lies and defaming to say the least, and at the very end it recommends that my family be rejected for any benefits (like it's their business). My plan was to put a little evidence together--mainly dates and such--and to confront my old boss (who claims to be a Christian) with it. All I wanted was to stand up for myself. Then this morning my old boss called Caleb--not me, I'm not worth talking to--and has informed him that he is having me watched (by a PI? by lawyers? I'm not sure) both in person and on FB, and if I even attempt to talk to his employees (who are my friends, or I thought they were) that he will have me charged with a federal offense. This man is doing his best to smear me and keep his reputation clean. I know he's done me wrong, I'm not stupid. I know that I'm not a liar and I know I did a good job for him, repeatedly dropping everything in my life to serve in his office. This is so, so hurtful. I really don't know what I did to deserve this hell. I also live next door to his best friend and I'm afraid to even step outside my door because he may be watching me, too. I have nothing to hide--I just feel so violated."
I have tried, and am trying, to move on. To be the bigger person in this, forgive, and refocus. The thing is, every day, everywhere I go, I run into someone who asks me why they don't see me there anymore. If I'm away from my house, this can happen multiple times per day. It is impossible to move on when even one person asks for an explanation in a day. Even once a week. I run into my old co-workers, and I can't talk to them. They wonder why I act strange, and I can't tell them because I already know one of them has been reporting to him about my activities. I am normally very close to my mom but have noticed that my calls to her are 2-3wks apart (we usually talk weekly, if not more often). I feel so broken. My troubles aren't worth anyone's time, after all, because so-and-so is going through cancer treatments again, and my cousin's second son was born too early and died.
I am horribly restless. I woke up from a dream last Saturday morning, and in it I was preparing for our family to leave Missouri (heading back west). I was making plans for getting my hands on packing boxes, making lists regarding what to take with and what to leave behind, and looking for a home, etc. It was not a weird, twisted dream at all. It felt very real. When I woke up and realized it was a dream, the disappointment hit me hard. It was as if I had a heavy, wet cloud bogging me down and making it difficult to get anything done. Even my thought processes were affected. There was a deep heaviness in my chest.
That night Caleb came home and was surfing the internet--when I asked him what he was looking at, he told me he was looking for helicopter piloting schools. I thought he was joking. Then he started asking me where it was in Wyoming that his mom lives, and I noticed he was looking at pictures. Before too long I realized he was checking out a town in SW Wyoming, near the Utah border. There is a helicopter piloting school there. I looked a little myself, and there are mountains there *sigh*. Then I realized, he was checking out places to live. Oh, good grief, don't DO this to me right now! I am ready to drop EVERYTHING and relocate. I *need* a fresh start. I started fantasizing about selling all the shop equipment: tools, machinery, our tow truck. If we did this, we could leave this spring or summer. This is how Caleb and I are different: he researches and he plans several years in advance. Me, I get a good idea and I'm ready to run with it NOW. He has built his business debt-free, so that he could take it all with him and set it up anywhere. I'm sick of this business thing--mostly that his extreme dedication keeps him away from home so much and as a result he misses out on SO much of the kids' things--and I long for the days where it was simply him working for someone else 8-5 and bringing home a fat paycheck on Fridays. In my mind, I am ready to start making a plan to move to Rock Springs, WY or Erie, CO. I then spent the next several days, confused. Do I feel like this because it's TIME to think about leaving Missouri? After all, we never planned to stay here forever, and we've been here nearly 9 1/2 years. Or, do I feel like this because I've been so royally screwed with by my former boss and his clinic? Am I longing to do the ostrich thing or is it simply time to leave?
Then there's Joshua, Sadie & Elsa. Have I been a crappy mom since all this happened? How would they handle a move? Would a westward relocation while Shelby attends college in Illinois be selfish? What do I do?
So many questions...so many unsettled feelings.
I know, if I'm being honest with myself, that I am mildly depressed. I'm good at being "okay" in the moment or putting on a good face in public, but I am not happy. Tears come entirely too easy. I brood. As a result, I forget important things. My mind feels fuzzy and disjointed much of the time. I feel cramped in my little house and long for space to move. I don't like myself much as I have not only failed my family in many ways but myself as well. I need a change, and I just.can't.get.away.
I am drowning.